159lbs

One foot in front the other, day by day, that's all I can do. So my metabolism is higher than normal after a minor set back that took me from 161lbs to 159lbs back to 163lbs then now back to 159lbs Here I am a learning process indeed. All along I could kick myself. I was eating all the right foods but alas the WRONG amount!!!!! Not weighing my proteins and not weighing my food other than breakfast just turned out to be the missing link. So what have I learned - too many cheats will get you in trouble, consistancy is KEY! planning is KEY staying focused is KEY weighing not only myself but the food I put INSIDE my body is key!!! Everything has to be weighed and measured!!! That is what happened after I came back from the UK in 07 and went completely off the rails, too many cheat days and excessive eating on cheat days and then the gradual fading of weighing the meals just not good at all. So I continue on keeping it simple and increasing my running NOW I want to definately prepare for that 1/2 but who knows. I just keep having all these setbacks, I guess they're just to teach me and finesse me into perfection I am guessing! All I know is that I lost more weight in 2 weeks than I did in 5mths! What a shame weighing weighing weighing and didn't realize that over eating the protein would and could be the issue! Damn! I could kick myself!

163lbs
What the fuck is wrong with me am I manic, did I spas out I don't know why I get thrown completely off - why did I NOT weigh my food all this year! Why!!!!!! Now with a sprained neck, hurt knees and burdened body I try AGAIN. Why does this horrible roller coaster continue!!! I am so angry at myself because I knew it was coming but I threw myself in front the bus. Why do I keep doing this to myself!??? I get going I get distracted, fall off and end up right back in a shitty place. Now I'm working with this nutritionist and will call the intuitive again. This is so stupid, I'm stupid - how could I not know that not weighing was just stupid!!! Gosh I can't take this anymore. I've more clarity now and all that. I must be manic I just lost focus and just was not into what I was doing and why did I think ahhhh I just feel stupid now. I can't lose this weight because I didn't follow the rules. *sigh* I begin I succeed I fall off I become muddled angry and confused I learn something new start all over again!

Well here I am frustrated back to square one after 19 weeks nothing no weight loss still stuck this is just a revolving fucking nightmare for the last 3 years stuck stuck stuck!!! Why is this happening to me I feel so defeated and just out of answers, I am exhausted I don't even want to work out anymore I just feel like everything is useless I can't bring myself to go workout - this week has been hard for me. I'm really really trying and just getting no where fast I feel like I'm always trying something different that doesn't work and then again that doesn't work and all around me people are losing weight like crazy - oh 10lbs 20lbs just like that, eating and working out the same and wow wonderful for them for me I feel like I'm beating a wall like its an impermeable force that I just can't win and I am just running out of steam here I feel like I am losing and just can't fight anymore. I went to trainers I tried so God damned hard and nothing, I did the 10 week kickbox camp, I've spent money taking pills did it all - nothing! It seems like every morsel of food I've to account for because even one small thing just tilts it all off. Now I'm seeing a bonafide nutritionist who will test my RMR and see where it all is. I just sit here feeling like such a looser I mean getting up in the dead of winter 4:30 am pushing it working it and just nothing, here I am in July looking fat knees still feeling the weight of an overweight body and nothing's changed NOTHING how is that possible I tried so frigging hard all that time all that energy just wasted what a giant fucking waste of time I'm so angry disappointed and dejected to name a few emotions I just feel like when is this ever going to end I just want someone to help me just help me get out of this hell that I've been stuck in for 4 years. 4 fucking years!!! I just can't take it anymore I feel like I'm going out of my mind like I'm going to have a breakdown. Do this do that, try high impact, low impact, walk, no run, no intervals weights, no weights, 20 reps, 15, do something different try this, no this kickboxing is good; oh no this is better, Krav Maga, running, walking, 2 times a day workouts, in the park, on the track, in the morning in the afternoon, eat less, eat more, eat this, no eat that and running - round and round in circles I just want to get rid of this weight and be able to run, do my races without damaging my feet under this mass, I just feel like clawing it all off but I can't get it off and it is so frustrating so agonizing so infuriating I just can't get it off me and there seems to be nothing that I can do just nothing! I'm not an insane eater I keep things in check but I feel like my back is against the wall and have run out of options. I just want to walk away from 2005 I just want to feel like I am finally free. Is that so hard to ask, that's all I really really want.

So here were are 3 years out - and I still can't lose the weight that was dumped on me in 05. First I had a burst of 7 then 10 then gained and now stuck! I've to do my body fat this week so I'll really see what's going on. So I think I've come to the conclusion that this is it. I am just about ready to give up, looks like if you gain a bunch of weight you can never lose it. Work harder work out diet - you just can't win against nature! In the real world of having a job and trying to live you just can't do it, so my advice to anyone is try not to ever gain more that a few lbs its just that simple. I get on the scale every week and it says that same damned thing for the last 7 weeks. Absolutely not one change the only thing that could stay like that is an inanimate object like a rock which I've apparently become a rock that cannot be carved. I signed up for KO kickboxing and although I "feel" tighter my belly is still a source of major frustration. What gives I'm tired tired tired of fighting when I'm not getting anywhere. Called Alti and she's too busy and I just can't deal with someone like her, called someone she referred me to and don't know at this point I've to run this by my doctor and have them do a blood test cause Lord knows I'm doing everything right. Not going crazy on weekends not over doing it but yet nowhere nowhere. I've never had it so hard it is just not fair!

So here it is 2008 down the drain and do I have anything to show - yup you guessed it - NO! I am now convinced that any weight gained after say I don't know however is simply impossible or nighmareish to lose. I know the problem is inconsistancy but can't seem to get it together I can't get on a roll for too long or after getting on a roll I fall off, say around 2 weeks. I can't take this anymore I feel like screaming this has been such a hard 3yrs and I know that if I'd never had all that weight gain with my illness this would not have happened stuck her around 150lbs never have I remained so heavy for so long 7mths and counting STUCK!!! I am so angry the thought of it consumes me everyday. So fucking annoyed with myself and just everything. I feel like such a failure!

Haven't heard from Alti and I guess she is doing her thing. Doing pretty well on WW and this is easier as long as I stick to my points. I guess everyone and everything comes into someone's life for a reason so I don't eat those high calorie messy bars etc. Doing WW is a breeze. This weekend was a bit of a challenge since there were 2 BBQs and I usually end up eating more meat than anything else and picking at everything else. But I managed to do ok, not the best but not like what I saw others doing.
I also went shopping for bras, as I had to and I am in a C cup so that was decent out of the D cups.
Another pet peeve of mine is people. I don't get why some people need to share their weight loss, gain or just basic weight with me, makes no sense! And frankly, quite annoying - like who cares!!!

That's on WW & Lipo 6 (again) - I like WW I feel not so contrained a bit free and by Friday I don't feel like totally going crazy because that's how I felt with the Alti diet and the fact that she let go the reigns was just cause enought to strike out on my own. However I did learn a lot from her and broadened my menu list so that's a good thing. My fingers are not as swollen and now I slide on my wedding band with ease - in the morning! I've been working out again with my heart rate moniter and that has been better. It helps to keep me in the zone or from over doing it. That was a great tool that I lapsed on. I make sure I don it every time now. I will look up some more recipes and try them out and of course make sure that I don't go over the points. That is such a great deal. I always scoffed at WW but hey you never say never.

Yes I signed up to WeightWatchers! I took the plunge - I just kept thinking - that's not for me, not my thing but I just couldn't do the disconnected Alti rigid diet and e-mail shit anymore. I've 21 points for the day and I have to budget, I pretty much stay within my perimeters too. I also get 35 points to spend however I like during the week - I think. I don't want to feel boxed into a specific recipe for the day, I want to be flexible but stay within range. I was just tired with the Alti thing and I realize that her absenteeism was not helping me or my mood and I was over eating out of shear frustration and rage. I also was not checking in on the weekends so there was no one to "watch" me and critique what I was doing so I could sneak and just slide. I've never had this much weight to lose ever in my life and that alone added to the frustration. But I don't look at it like a failure, I learned some valuable lessons that will stay with me forever so I move on. I will still like to train with her though - that's if she ever has any bloody time.

So off I go into the WW world, counting points and doing all that. I kinda like it since I write a food journal anyway, been doing it for the last 8 years so nothing is new for me on that end and I don't over do it because I know that I've to enter those bloody points and weigh in and all that. So we'll see how this goes. I stay positive because the negativity was not doing it for me, you can get nowhere with that. Done. 2nd day lets go.

Ok I am really thinking hard about WeightWatchers - truth is I need help and Alti is just e-mailing and out the door, the weekly meetings with her were helpful, now that's not happening and its just really difficult. I have never in my life had this much weight to lose and it is just beating me up, I cannot take it, I can't take this anymore. 40lbs and its looking like 4yrs 10lbs a year is ridiculous! I really don't want to pay anymore. I've to train harder too just plugging in a 1/2 hr here and 1hr there will not cut it. I've started back on Lipo 6 and that is fine. I've cut out the coffee and nuts and just sailing. But I cannot do this all on my own. I have to say that I've tried and I've made progress but this last stretch is just not even easy. It is difficult and one can become bogged down. I feel so confused and am still stressed out about all this from 3yrs ago!! The reason why I get so angry at myself is the fact that one simply does not take this long to lose this amount of weight - not with the mental focus I have but I realize that it is the constant attention I need and that went off track after Aug last year. Its always something - life is really a learning process.
I think I need something a little less hard core as this might be the problem, I do NOT get to work out and do the things that Alti prescribes but I am still not fallen off the horse and this shit is just annoying, not nibbling as much but I just need to knock off 5 then another 5 and so on. This is harder than I thought but this weekend was not bad and am actually feeling decent for not going overboard. I think I eat somethings out of the shear frustration and anger and rage that I feel.

Was reading a blog and the variety of reasons for getting stuck on a plateau and one thing but one has to be true to oneself and I am realizing that it is easy to lose control. Very easy to get off track, I felt it and said a resounding NO now I'm back on Lipo 6 and doing what it takes.
I think I've paid Alti way too much money and I am considering WeightWatchers, no one has never had success on that and I was checking out another blog and its not that bad. It is just ridiculous that I am going on 2yrs and can't put this behind me. Now given I keep going down in steps, so I will not beat myself up. At least I didn't ramp back up all the weight I took off so that's a good thing.
Will do kickbox this evening since Krav Maga is dealing with punches and I need to practice.

That is what is needed and I think I was beginning to lose it but thankfully I checked myself before I slid on off track. Back on Lipo6 and cut out the coffees drinking more water and it is time to take this home. I've been saying that for the last year and can't get there. All it takes is for someone to notice and boom a slide!!! I have to get back on track because this is ridiculous. I feel so aweful that I can't seem to put my life back together from the events of 2005 3yrs!!!! Gone just like that! 10 last lbs of flab to destroy. I've been on a mission this week. Last weigh in was a month ago! I mean time runs fast and that was 150 and that is a # I don't care for so my motto is - I will NOT be weighing that in another 4weeks! No not never - by the end of this week I must be 2lbs DOWN. And that will be my motto for each week 'til Aug. I cannot go home looking crazy!!!! I have to shake this off me.
Lipo 6 does add focus though, it makes me not crave and energized without feeling all jizzed up. Today went to 2 pills in the am. Still doing the Alti diet thing. And have to kick up my workouts, kick ass and I KNOW I will make it!!!! I was able to knock 5 - I know I can knock another 5 and another 5! I just don't need to deal with the start and stop biz!!!!

to not having to deal with a "weight condition" is just to never gain weight at all!!! Loosing weight is a journey or more like an endeavor to just the dark side. Fraught with more losses than wins. I'm still working through what happened in '05 which is unbelievable, it is just so very hard. I've been losing but just so damned slow its ridiculous, I sometimes wonder if its even worth it. Just when will I ever make it back!

Yes I did it! I clinched the Yellow belt, the first level in Krav Maga! My husband and I aced it, him a 92 out of 95 - me 90 out of 95!!! I was quite nervous, I mean we'd money riding on this, $800 paid between us two so to fail was like a giant waste of money! We practiced so hard and trained and were there from just about the very first day and we did it! It seemed like a lifetime ago we started but we did it! Yellow belts! Now its off to the city to pick up the actual belt and onto the next level. My husband can't wait but me - ah, I want my summer to enjoy and hike and travel and just whatever!!!! So if I sign on, it'll be a summer of real spotty attendance! Now I don't know how we'll be training in the class with the beginners but somehow it'll have to be done and actually I've to ask about that. Well apart from that accomplishment and the fact that I haven't had ANY nuts this past week, well some peanut butter yesterday and today. That's all, I really want to keep it super clean until end of July when I head to Canada so more double up workouts and brutality 'til then - YAH!!

Tomorrow is the long awaited and much talked about Yellow Belt Krav Maga test. Are we ready hummmmmm I say...YES! I am quite nervous for the simple fact that the "master" of sorts will be there critiquing our every move! Am I going to suddenly freeze out - oh goodness, am I going to be aggressive enough, is my husband going to tip over on his roundhouse kicks. I'm pretty good with mine but am I good enough on the "spin release" kick punch combo! Oh goodness, I'll have nightmares about this tonight!!
Apart from that the weekend is doing pretty good, just ate a few licorish bits nothing crazy and trying to stay on point and keep it cracking. I've to hold it together 'til end of July and its new June so - not going to go on up to Toronto looking stupid. I decided not to take the Progesterone. Had not so good a reaction 3 years ago and just don't want to deal with that. I'm taking Iron, lets see how that works out.
Will report back on the belt situation!! I've also decided to take the summer off from Krav to just do other things like hike, run and just enjoy the summer months without being locked into Sun. Mon. Wed.

150#
Bless your heart and a sigh of relief is what I uttered. So this can move, with clarity of mind and shear determination 5lbs are gone, time for the next 5 and so on. I just have to put things together! I was beginning to feel so hopeless and I am glad that I weighed too. Trained 2 times yesterday, didn't do the Krav seminar, I was toast by 9:15 I'd had it. So looks like the test is on Sunday, talk about pop quizz! I have made up my mind - I am ready!!! I'm ready to get that yellow belt, I've the paper, I'm gonna run through my bits from now 'til Sat and damnit! I am ready. I really don't know if I'll continue on to all the other belts I just don't know, I need time for my running. I've just to keep pushing on. I saw a quote today that I liked - the man who can't and the man who can are both right.
And now there is a 2nd dilemma!! So after going through all this and the ups and downs I see the Doc in Boston and she prescribes PROGESTERONE!!!! That will swell me up and cause me the retain water and gain!! WTF!! I cannot take it and won't I remember what it did the last time SHIT. I didn't come this far to get fucked up now, why!!!! I filled the script and that was that. Good Lord, just one thing after another. Did I mention that Dr. Nachtigall was like a breath of fresh air on a hot summer day in a place like New Orleans!! OMG, she was attentive and actually listened and seemed to want to figure this all out. I couldn't believe it!! I was so taken aback. So it will be back to Boston on July 3 for another MRI then again in August and we will work from there. She was amazing such a difference from the dour and drap demeanor or Dr. Kleinberg. I cannot stand him!! He is just eeerrrrr. I will not go to see him again, his office his whole way is just a turn off and to think he's refered me to some of the nicest people!!!! I just don't get it.
Oh God I just think this is so weird!
So on I go.

I am in distress. I've been like this for over 2years. I feel a sense of rage, anger and lack of control since everything happened in '05. I could barely lose 12lbs in 2years. Why I ask myself. I feel like I was pushed into a speeding car and since then have been reeling and trying to get myself out of this abyss. There are times that I am so angry I just eat so frustrated and on the verge of tears. Why me, why this why am I always fighting to lose weight. Weight that didn't even come on from being careless and overeating weight that wants to sink my spirit, kill my drive and just destroy me. I look in the mirror at my face and I hate what I see, I've been saying this over an over - I feel incased in this and sometimes I feel like just tearing and scratching at myself, if only I could rip this off. I try so fucking hard and something is always undoing me. The nuts the bread, something. I feel so stupid so angry and just defeated. If only this had not happened I would be fine, I wouldn't be here now, struggling, paying money for diet programs just spinning my wheels going nowhere. I got somewhere last year, only to pile back on about 4lbs. I just hate myself and I can't get out the rut, I feel trapped, angry and confused, I've major anxiety about it, and on the outside everything looks fine but I just feel so sad and angry. I don't want to spend my whole life like this. Jaunting from one thing to the next, fighting a battle that I keep making myself lose throught stupidity. I feel like I've been on an eternal diet. Can't eat this or that only to descend into an angry binge that leads me right back to square one only to start again, vowing not to do it to go downhill again. And I am so angry because why can't I get it right. I just want this so badly I am stressing myself and the stress is leading me into a vicious cycle! I just want to scream at myself, just say STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sit there trying not to overeat and all the while I am so angry inside that I'm doing this to myself. Why can't I stay consistant. I just have 15more lbs. Why is this so hard WHY!!!! I hate myself I really do I just fucking hate myself for a lack of control at times and just trying to be all correct while all the while getting nowhere because I'm so stupid, running all the time and yet looking like a fat fucking useless idiot.
I'm glad I got that out. I've to move on again, how many times can I fall and have to pick myself up again. I wish sometimes I could smash my head through a wall. I pray so hard I feel so trapped and anguished and wish it wasn't like this. I really hate this all, this has been an excruciating 3years and I can't believe its still going on.

153 or something like that

I go over and over the reasons but cannot figure out why I am stuck WHY. I just feel like a trapped person inside a cell with no window, no door, nothing just pounding over and over again with no one hearing. I am encassed in fat and just so annoyed and upset. After weight on the doc scale, fully dressed I came in at 157!!! I'd made it down to 150 last Sept and I just fucked it all up!! Why is this happening to me and what am I supposed to learn from it. I am so fed up at this point I just want to cry!!! A new diet everything. I'm just going to go see a sports med doc and try something new I am so frustrated I just feel so pointless and boxed in and totally trapped. Why would this work for everyone else but me!?

This is what I feel and I know that it is not good. But I can't help feel it, I feel like a trapped hamster, just peddling through, not going anywhere on the job and not going anywhere on the weight loss! Arrrrrghhhhh! I feel like pulling out my hair. I feel like I've been trying to get this done for the last 11 years!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I have to deal with this shit!

So Broccoli is back in effect. This is so hard, actually this is the hardest thing I have had to do for myself, the diet, the workout etc and on and on. I have to get this weight off. And I look back and ask myself, honestly. Have I done, everything everything that I possibly could, changed rotated and really put effort 100% and that answer is NO. So paying more attention I move forward now with that all behind me.

I've managed to scoop up some broccoli and have bounced the pumpkin for that. I will switch out and see what happens. Its been a while since I've have the brocc. So we'll see how that goes, also added sweet potato. I will be back to the lean mean greens to see if I can't bust through this wall. I also got up and pumped out 60 push ups and numerous crunches. Also switched out the Kashi for the tride and true 1/4 cup oatmeal. So I have to play the diet by the exact letter. Drinking loads of water. Yesterday had a small piece of fudge and little bit of a bagel. I must bust through this and cannot give up!!